Charles Keefer's Blog


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I’m going on a week long cruise tomorrow. This is going to be my 10th or 11th or 12th cruise – I simply can’t remember. You can give me a break. I started cruising 30 years ago.

I have learned some things along the way, however. So I am going to remind myself of them in hopes that this is a more successful cruise than the last dozen or so.

I hereby resolve that:

I won’t think the mandatory lifeboat drill is draining half an hour out of my cruise time. It shows me who the passengers in my area are, where to assemble in an emergency, and, if I watch, how they react. I am a certifited SCUBA diver and I have filled up a log book with dives. I don’t like to dive with people who don’t take the buddy rule seriously. I don’t like anyone who doesn’t take safety seriously. Should anything happen on the cruise, I want to know as much about the safety procedures as I can because I know most people will know nothing. Should anything happen, I’ll probably be helping the crew.

I won’t try to drink Akavit with the officers. This shit is 40 percent alcohol. They are used to it. It is made in Scandinavia and it is Latin for “water of life.” If you grew up on 3.2 beer, this shit is “water of death.” I have no idea how they survive drinking this stuff, much less how they run the ship.

I will not try to eat everything in the galley in the first three days of the trip. I’ve tried this before. Actually, you can’t help but try. When was the last time you had hot and cold running free food? Only an a cruise. The only hope you have is that the third day is a day at sea and it is rough. Then you learn how 95-pound runway models eat. Or actually do the opposite.

I will not go to the spa. This is a place where you pay $250 for a gorgeous oriental girl to rub hot rocks on your skin for an hour. Now, assuming you are sane, how much would you really pay anyone to rub hot rocks on your skin? If you don’t know, I’ll be happy to rub hot rocks on your skin for $100 an hour. I’ll do it all day long. I’ll make about four times as much as I did when I was programming computers. I’m not a gorgeous oriental girl, so you get $150 an hour off.

I will go into the casino, but only because they have designed the ship so that is the only way you can get from the front to the back when it rains. Whenever this is necessary, I advise you to leave your wallet in your cabin. Enough said?

I will not go into the casino late at night.

I swear I will not.

Not even if it has the last bar open.

And I’ll put money on that.


Written by Charles Keefer

November 21, 2009 at 10:50 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

One Response

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  1. Hope it is not the Norwegian Dawn, but if it is, then you will have some interesting stories to tell.

    Carol K

    November 30, 2009 at 7:28 pm

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